Out of your mouth.....

Did words ever come out of your mouth before you even realized you were going to say something? I HATE it when that happens. And, Heaven knows, it has happened to me enough, I should be used to it. Whoever coined the phrase, "Your mouth over-rides your ass..." either knew me, or had heard of me.

The worst part is, once it is out in the open and heard, there is no taking it back. Sure, you can apologize until you are blue in the face. Sometimes you can see the other person, somewhere down the line, pretending you didn't say what you said....but you can tell they are thinking of it.

Someday, in the very near future, I am going to install a zipper on my mouth. So help me....

Jill

June

I just love it when June has arrived....To me it means that summer has officially begun. And even though I am half a year past my 20th High School Reunion, I still get excited about summer. I just long to be near the ocean. There is nothing like hearing the waves crashing, smelling the salty sea air. If you couldn't find me as a teenager, check the beach. Chances are, that is where you will find me.

I don't think I will get back to Jersey this summer. I have tried to make it up at least once a year for a while, but I think I will have to pass this year. I am not on the best of terms with my family right now, and I don't want to impose on Heidi and Joe. I am sure they would welcome me, but they are still newlyweds, and they need their space. I may try to get away for a few days this summer and take Joseph to Myrtle Beach. I have never been, and I don't think he has, either. I would love to go and stay in Cape May, but I guess that will have to wait until next year.

Well, I think I am going to go and sit out on the porch with Max (I'm keeping him while Joey is....wherever.....Pensacola, maybe???) I love the smell of honeysuckle.

Jill

Forgiveness.....

Sometimes you need to forgive someone.....sometimes you need to forgive yourself.....sometimes both.

I have been walking around all day long with this song in my head, literally for the last 14 hours. So I thought maybe if I put it here, I could exorcise myself from it.

"Heart of the Matter"

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more? I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
...People filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
The trust and self-assurance that can lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us,
Doesn't keep me warm

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you, Baby
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think it's about
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

[Bridge]
There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down
You know they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you, baby, 'cos life goes on
You keep carryin' that anger, it'll eat you inside

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore.....

We'll see if that will make it go away....I hope so....I don't need this in my head.

Jill

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is such a bittersweet holiday for me.....My favorite thing in the world....the thing I was put on this Earth for....is to be Joseph's Mom. So that is a warm and happy thing for me.

But.....This past week, 11 years ago, I lost my own Mama. She was only 61, so very young. I was the youngest of five children, and I never let them forget who the "baby" was. I absolutely adored my Mom. People will often-times say that their Mom is their best friend. In my case, that was sincerely true. True to the point that I was jealous of the years my siblings had before I was born that I missed out on.

I was only 27 when I lost my Mom. There are so many things I wish I could tell her, wish I could ask her. More than anything, I wish she could see Joseph, and how big and smart and handsome he has become.

I truly believe my life would be much different today, if my Mom were still alive....

To all the Mom's out there (and Aunt's, Grandma's, Godmother's, Sister's, and Friend's) Happy Mother's Day to you all....and many more.

And to the most beautiful woman ever to walk the Earth....Mrs. JoAnn Rogers....I love you, Mama. I miss you. I think of you every single day. I pray that you would be proud of me. I pray that I will be half of the Mother that you were.

Jill

New People

Did you ever meet someone you just clicked with? I don't mean in the romantic sense...I mean friend-wise. I am one of those people who is a bit of a loner. I don't make friends easily. I am a little on the shy side, when it comes to new people.

Well, tonight I went to dinner with Joy to our favorite Japanese restaurant. We sat down at the Hibachi Grill, next to the cutest couple with the most precious little boy. The little boy was shy and sweet and sooooo adorable. He had the most beautiful big brown eyes. And, as everyone who knows me knows, I am a sucker for boys with brown eyes.

Anyway, we sat through dinner and just talked the whole time. We shared food and stories. I ended up giving them one of my business cards, that I wrote for them to have 2 free meals on me that next time they come to Perkins. I just didn't want to break the connection. That kind of thing is rare for me. I hope to see them again sometime.

Here's to chance meetings and to friendship. While I may not make friends easily, I absolutely cherish the friends I do have. Love ya!!!

Jill

Mixed Up Schedule

I hate when you have a set routine and it is shot completely off course. I am so used to having Wednesday and Thursday off. They have been my set days of for well over a year now. Last week I had to go into work on Thursday to me to VP of Ops. That went well, but I didn't relish the idea of traveling into Knoxville on my day off for business. Oh well, it was only a half day. Now this week, someone forgot they needed to be off. What am I going to do? Tell them no and then they call out anyway. With the economy being what it is, you would think that people are thrilled to be game-fully employed. Not in Knoxville. If they don't like what you say, they have a million other choices to go to.

Anyway, that caused me to be off on Tuesday and Wednesday. Now my internal clock is all messed up. Plus I will have to work 6 days in a row. Not a big deal....I've done stretches as long as 29 days in a row. But when the days are mandatory 10 hour days with an hour commute, one way, it really does start to suck!!!

Tomorrow I have a manager meeting to lead. I HATE public speaking. But when it comes to my managers, I can do it. When I was in Florida for the GM conference, I had to get up and speak in front of about 40 people, most of whom were strangers.....the only thing that could have made it worse was if I was naked without my homework.....

Anyway, my boss has decided he either likes how I run my meetings or hates how I run my meetings. This is the 3rd meeting in a row he has decided to attend. He attends Kingsport's meetings because he doesn't like how Randy does it. He attends Greenville's because he DOES like how Nathan does it. I'm not sure where I fall.

Well, as they say, another day....another dollar. Or in this case, another 50 cents.

Peace & Love

Jill

The Day I Have Been Waiting For

Finally...the day I have waited for. A day off with no one to answer to and nothing to do.....so that is exactly what I have done....nothing. I got up at 7am (slept in, I did!!!) and made Joseph breakfast, got him off to school. Ever since, I have just lazed around. Something I am not used to. Something I haven't done in quite some time.

As a matter of fact, I believe I will go and do more of the same. Either that or steam clean the carpets....I have a feeling the carpet cleaner is going to win...

Jill

The Big Check

Well, today is the day I wrote "The Big Check." Just call me All-State, with "accident forgiveness." I decided this was Joseph's freebie when it comes to accidents. But $1787.68 was an awfully big check to write.....His Dad kicked in some....a percentage that he thought was fair. Let's not even go there. I am so frustrated with the childishness and petty torment of my ex-husband that I can hardly stand it.

Anyway, this will make it so that Joseph's car insurance will not go up...thank Heaven, because $2200 a year is threatening to break the bank as it is!!!

Oh, well, it's only money!!!

Tomorrow

So, tomorrow my VP of Operations is coming in for a visit.....naturally, it is my day off. So I will depend on the people at my store to call me at home and let me know when they are coming from Kingsport, so that I can meet my boss and his boss there.

Luckily, things have been going pretty well for us in the last few weeks, despite the shaky economy. I predict it will get worse before it gets better, but you still have to manage your operations.

On another note, I received the estimate from Joseph's fender bender....$1787.68. All that for a ding in the bumper and the quarter panel.....I was going to try to pay it our of pocket, because I can't afford an increase in Joseph's insurance. Especially now that his Dad has decided, "not to contribute another penny...." Yes, that area of my life is still mangled.

I don't mean to use this blog as a bitch session, which I have seemed to do quite often. But it has been a long time since I had a "Dear Diary," thing.

Peace & Love

I knew it had to happen....

Well, I knew it had to happen, and today it did.....I got the phone call all parents dread. The call from my son that he has had an accident. It wasn't a bad accident, just a minor fender bender in the local convenience store parking lot. But an accident, nonetheless. And, yes, it was his fault. That means insurance premiums go up, and I worry more than ever when he is in the vehicle. But none of that matters as long as he is okay...and he is...Thank God....

I have to go now and talk to him about being more responsible, more careful. It is not a talk I am looking forward to. Joseph is my baby. When he hurts, I hurt. And he is hurting now, so badly. This scared him to death.....that is a good thing. It will only serve to make him more careful. But I want so badly to tell him that is was just an accident, no big deal. But it IS a big deal. What if someone had been walking there, rather than parked, waiting for people to move? Lord, please help me to find the words....

Jill

Today

Today was a long day, but nowhere near as long as yesterday. I had a QA (Quality Assurance) inspection today. Improved 4 points over last year, I am happy to say. But preparing for it was rough. However, it is over, and I am glad.

In 2 weeks time, my boss' boss will be in for a visit. Luckily, he and I get along very well. I think he and I share the same vision, career wise. I look forward to seeing him.

Tonight is the NCAA Women's National Championship Game.....I have looked forward to this for months, as I just knew Tennessee would make it to the finals!!! Candace Parker (CP3) is playing with a shoulder injury. It separated twice during the Texas A & M game. They were barely able to pull out the victory over LSU. Tonight, Stanford, and man, do they look tough. But I am pulling for my girls!!!

Go Lady Vols!!!!

Jill

Home....

Well, I am just back from a quick trip over the Great Smoky Mountains to North Carolina. I didn't take any time off from work...just a quick 2 day jaunt over. I love the trip over, especially at this time of year. Each season offers so many new and exciting view through the park. I love it in the winter, when it is a magical world of icicles. But spring is so gorgeous, with the green just coming in, and the dogwoods starting to bloom.

There is, however, in my opinion, nothing like coming home. It has been a great many years now, since I left the comfort and security of Mama's house to marry Joey. We moved 1,000 miles away, to a wretched little apartment, that became our first, "home." I have lived so many places since that first little apartment. But they were all Mine. From North Chicago to Virginia Beach to Staten Island to Ten Mile to Kingston to Sunbright. With the exception of North Chicago, I picked out each and every home we had, and the one I have now. There was something about all of them that made me just have to have it.

When I picked out the first home I ever "owned," in Kingston, I had to have it because of it's close proximity to my Mom, who lived right down the road. I didn't know when I bought it that she would soon become ill and pass away. My Dad would then come to live with us. I will never be able to thank Joey enough for getting me through the death of my Mother, and the nervous breakdown that was my Dad's life from there on. Without him, I most surely would have dropped into a world of madness myself.

We lost my Dad in that house. We also lost his parents in that same 30 day time span. That was one of the lowest times in our life.....I think he would agree. But we got through it together, because that is what we used to do. Sometimes I miss my ex-husband so much it physically hurts. People who know us now or have only known us for the last few years could never understand that. But I do, and I believe he does, as well.

I don't know what brings this sadness up in me sometimes. It's not that I think my marriage was a failure....It produced a wonderful son, so how could it be anything but a success?

Actually, I kind of know what it is......I am reaching that time from the end of March to the end of May....that is the time when death seems to be-fall my family. I am not very superstitious (well, maybe a little) but when you have 8 deaths hit the family in the last 10 years, you start to sweat a little, come this time of year. I guess it brings out the melancholy in me.

So here's to home. The thing this post started to be about....Home Sweet Home. Home is where the heart is. Home is where you hang your hat. Home is where you rest your head. Home is where, when you go there, they have to let you in. There' no place like home......

Jill

Go with the Flow

Sometimes, regardless of all your careful planning, things still don't go the way you expect. Today was one of those days. Graveyard cook didn't show, Amber had to cover. Had to send her home when I got there. The baker I hired called and said his wife left him, and he now has no one to watch the kids. Down another employee.

After my 11 hour day (plus a two hour commute) all I can say is that I am so glad it is over. Go with the flow!!!

When is my vacation?!?!?!?

Volfan

P.S. Go Lady Vols!!! Make it to the Elite 8 tonight!!!

Life's Rewards

Sometimes in life, you can reward yourself and those you love with little things. Little things like a great homecooked meal (my specialty, and my favorite thing to do!) You can take little detours in life, and just enjoy someone else's company. You can reward yourself with small things, as well. Like a nice hot cup of coffee (right, Sherry?!?) or a new book, or something else you enjoy.

Nothing gives me greater pleasure than rewarding the ones I love with things, big and small. I just gave Joseph money for a tank of gas. He has worked very hard the last few weeks, washing dishes at my job. His Dad and I agreed to let him have half of his paychecks, with the other half going into the bank. With gas prices being the way they are, most of his check would be eaten away with just one tank of gas. I can afford it, so I went ahead and bought it. Obviously, this isn't something I can afford to do all the time, nor would I want to. How will Joseph ever learn the value of money if everything is handed to him.

Today, I have pre-planned a HUGE reward for Joseph, in order to celebrate his High School Graduation. My (not so) little boy is balanced on the cusp of adulthood. I want so badly to pull him back, and keep him a child. And yet, at the same time, I am so proud of the man he is becoming.

Anyway, back to the celebration. Today, I booked a CRUISE for his graduation. We will travel to Florida at the end of May, 2009 and depart Port Canaveral for 7 days and nights of FUN, FUN, FUN!!! We will visit Cozumel, Mexico, my favorite place in the Caribbean, Costa Maya, Belize, and Nassau in the Bahamas!!!

Now all I have to do is finish paying for it, book the airfare, shop for clothes and accessories, and save some spending $$$!!!

In the words of the late, great John Lennon, "Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans...."

Volfan

Birthdays

Well, today is the day....the day of my 39th birthday. Remember when we were kids, and we couldn't wait for our birthday to arrive? I don't so much look forward to my birthday anymore. Not that I dread getting old, or am ashamed of my age. I wouldn't trade the wisdom all this gray hair has put on my head for love nor money. I am sooo much more comfortable in my own skin than I was 20 years ago.

This birthday kind of snuck up on me. I was working this past Sunday (Easter) and Joy called me to the front. I was irritated, because I was extremely busy in the back, but I went because that is what you do when you're the boss. I walked around the corner to a beautiful birthday cake (Thanks, Mama Carolyn) and a chorus of, "Happy Birthday's!!!" The best part was that Joseph had worked that day for me, so he was there as well.

My family and I are no longer close, so I don't expect to hear from my brothers, or potentially my sister, as we have had a falling out. But this day is still special to me. Tonight, I think I will take Joseph and Joy out to dinner, and we will talk about what it was like to be young vs. how it feels to be (yikes!!!!) middle-aged!!!

Tomorrow starts spring break for Joseph. He tells me he is going to spend the week at his father's house, although he may spend the weekend here at home. That and something about a tank of gas.....I adore that boy!!!!

Here's to my birthday, and birthday's in general. Cheers!!!

Volfan

Time for Me

Normally, I love my life, but did you ever wish you had more time, just for you? Time to curl up with a good book, maybe a nice glass of wine, possibly in a bubble bath....Mmmmm....sounds like a dream come true, for me.

I know in a couple of years, when Joseph is in college and doesn't have a moment to throw my way, I will soooo be missing all of the busy minutes of everyday. I will miss the feeling of frazzled-ness. I will miss fixing him the 7 meals a day he eats.

So look for me here in a couple of years, potentially rambling on incoherently, when I have too much time on my hands......

Time to fix dinner....Come and get it!!!!

Volfan

Easter Sunday

Wow!!! What an amazing day!!! I had to work today, as I do all holidays, except for Christmas. We are not typically busy on Easter. Well, I am here to tell you, we got our butts kicked. I spent the whole day in the weeds....

One of my employees gave me not one, but two Easter baskets. One was loaded down with 2 Giant chocolate bunnies, 2 giant chocolate eggs, 4 solid chocolate bunnies, two Dove chocolate rose sets, 2 Bunny Chocolate lollipops, and about 400 smaller candies. The other was a basket to behold.....The Ginormous bottle of Grey Goose (my drink of choice these days) 2 bottles of wine (one white, one Bohemian style Red...another favorite) along with homemade bread, a ton of cheese, cranberry juice (for the Grey Goose) several types of bubble bath, several types of body lotion. In short, several hundred dollars worth of stuff. The Grey Goose alone goes for $80. Thank you, Jean. You are wonderful!!!

The Lord has blessed me in so many ways. Sometimes I don't understand the road he leads me down, but I know and trust that he has a plan for me. Thank you Jesus, for your sacrifice. On this day, and every day. Thank you Lord, for giving your only Begotten Son.

God Bless You All who read this.

Volfan

(P.S.) Tonight opens the Lady Vols run in the NCAA Tournament....Go Lady Vols!!! Dance On!!!

Freedom

I am so very happy for my son to have his driver's license. I can remember my excitement and anticipation during that time in my life. But I must admit, it makes me somewhat sad. Just a melancholy kind of sad. Joseph is already breaking away, gaining his independence from his father and me. I am thrilled that he is capable of spreading his wings...that we have raised him to stand on his own two feet. But I sure do miss my little guy that I called, "Butch," because he had a head full of curls, but he was such a boy's boy.

I pray everyday, and have for years for the Lord to keep Joseph safe. I pray harder than ever for this. I know when I was his age, I didn't always make the best choices. Please, God, let him be smarter than I was.....

Volfan

The Test

Well, yesterday was the test....the driver's exam....what every 16-17 year old lives for....and I am happy to pronounce that Joseph passed with flying colors. Today we will go and get his vehicle (thank you again Heidi & Joe) insured. His very own (very expensive!!!!!) policy. Did I mention my gray hair??? ;-)

Volfan

My How Time Flies

Some days the time just seems to race by....today was one of those days. My day started, as always, at 4:12am, get to work at 6am....but then I was so busy all day. Look up at the clock and it's noon already.

Tomorrow is Driver's Exam Day for my son...God help me....my hair is getting more gray by the moment.....no slowing that down either...LOL

Volfan

Did You Ever Notice

Did you ever notice how sometimes the days just run one into the next? We spend so much of our time planning and looking forward to a coming event that we sometimes miss all the wonder in the day. For example, I was driving home from work today, after my 10 hour shift. It was a normal, run of the mill day. Nothing really great happened, but nothing catastrophic, either. Anyway, I noticed all of the beautiful daffodils that had blossomed on the side of the road. From the palest egg shell to the brightest yellow. How breathtaking!! I make that drive at least 5 days a week. Daffodils are my most favorite flower, and yet I almost missed them. Before you know it, they will be gone until the first gentle breeze of next spring. I hope they hold out for a couple weeks, so that I may fully enjoy them. And that is why I always say......

"Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans...."

My favorite quote, by the great John Lennon. May he rest in peace.....

Until tomorrow.....

Volfan

My First Blog

What a day this is....my very first blog. I actually went so far as to set up and account with another blogging site, but I just couldn't get into it.

Not a whole lot to say today. Just wanted to jump in and get used to the water.

I look forward to recording my thoughts, and maybe sharing them, too.

Good Night, and Sweet Dreams.....

Volfan